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February 14
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This was actually part of a series of posts on MLB and I think it deserves to be recorded.  The other work isn't mine to put up, but here's the link to the Borrowed Wings post where it started [link].  I think this works by itself, however.

TWILIGHT'S DAWN

I opened the door and stepped out into the grey dawn. The stench was overwhelming, as ponies of every type and description lay in heaps entangled in the guts of monstrous behemoths and less describable demons. As fires burned at all corners, a fine dusting of ash and bone meal coated my nostrils, causing me to sneeze and retch at the same time. I needed to take my charges away from this fresh new hell, and quickly. There was not enough food and water in the mountain sanctuary to last another day. I prayed to the spirits of my departed princesses to keep the worst of the worst out of view of the young colts and fillies filling the cavern behind me.

I cried out to them, using the Canterlot voice as sweet Luna had taught me, "BRACE YOURSELVES! FOLLOW, AND LOOK NOT LEFT NOR RIGHT! DO NOT FLY! STAY WITH THE HERD!" Then I plunged down the narrow path to the valley floor, the pathetic and terrified remnant of our once great nation behind me, crying, screaming and puking as they ran. "DO NOT LOOK!" I said in a voice that commanded obedience, and some heeded, but many could not, as the slaughterhouse smell wafted through the fetid air and awoke primal fears from an earlier age, when ponies were but dumb animals, mastered, and often eaten, by man. Several reverted to atavism, the intelligence leaving their eyes as insanity and fear crowded out reason. They whinnied and screamed and bucked, at least two charging off down slopes too steep for passage, to tumble broken and bloody to that carnal plain below. I could do nothing for them, and had I tears remaining, I should have cried enough at least to wash this dust made of the bones of my race from my eyes.

The rest followed, either intelligently or with the instinct to stay with the herd. I could heal those later, if we made it to our planned destination, whatever dead gods may remain to protect us. I resisted the urge to look upon the horror myself, for fear that I would see a tuft of rainbow colored mane, a broken party cannon, a twisted body surrounded by the shattered forms of animals that died fighting the unthinkable. A glittering bejeweled mace, the torn and battered hat of a dear friend. While I stayed in a cave and hid with the children. I may never die, but neither will my shame.

"TO THE ARK!" I led the survivors down the winding narrow pass to the docks, where I prayed the ship would still be, hidden by my magic. The Sea Ponies would help us establish a New Equestria, far away from here, on a distant island, until our numbers grew and time would heal this now desolated plain. We will return, I swear it.f
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:iconsevenofeleven:
I like it.

Can I ask you questions about your plans with this story?
I hope I am not being nosy.
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:iconcharelzzz:
~Charelzzz Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh, not at all... it will stay in first person and it will be about her establishing a new kingdom. It will be quite dark in some places, hopefully uplifting in others. She will do some things that one would normally not consider in character, perhaps things she really shouldn't do, but she's pretty desperate. It will take 1,000 years for the land to heal, and she's going to have to build a whole new society and then return to Equestria.

It will be epic. I hope. :)
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:iconsevenofeleven:
I will wish you luck and wait for the next chapter.
I wrote some fanfiction too and am no stranger to adventure and grimdark.

I did go for anthro instead of 4 legged
[link]
Maybe I will come back and fix up the punctuation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here come the questions!

1. Have you thought about doing some sort of prologue?
I ask that because when I started my second story, someone suggested doing a prologue to ease readers into the story and to provide some background.

I went online to research that and it was kinda mixed. Some folks said that prologues are not really needed, if its important you can just put it in the story. Having a prologue is like having to hook readers twice. Have to hook them with the prologue and then hook them with chapter 1. Also a lot of writers use prologues as a massive data dumps.

Other folks said that prologues allow readers to get some sort idea of the story without having the writer do a massive data dump in chapter 1.

What do you think?
I could see some sort of prologue showing the events before what happened now in the story or not.

2. I did a quick vignette in my journal and no one really has given me feedback on it. Well. I did get feedback but it was not from MLP fanfiction reader.

You got some feedback from me but that is because I watch you. Um. Not in a creepy way.
I am curious if anypony will say anything on my journal or your journal.
What do you think?
Reply
:iconcharelzzz:
~Charelzzz Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, that part is the prologue. I'm actually thinking of making the rest of it in the forms of Letters to Celestia. Who of course is gone, but writing them is one thing that keeps Twilight in touch with her sanity. It was totally organic. It is actually a response to an epic writer's battle between Derpy's Legion and Uberdeathninja on MLB xD After I wrote it I must have re-read it 10 times, then I said "I'm writing this as a fanfic."

I really appreciate your comments and any suggestions you may have. I'm torn between writing this chapter after chapter (which would get it out there faster in serial form) or putting together an outline and then developing the story more like a novel (which means that it will take weeks for the first chapter). Ah buck it, I'll do it in serial form. If it was good enough for Dickens it's good enough for me. First chapter will be done tonight. I just need another beer :D
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:iconsevenofeleven:
I have not done the outline part, I might want to try that.

When I was writing the Children of Oonte story, I would think of the outline and then write chapter by chapter.
I used to post a chapter every Monday because I could write more chapters before I could post them.

If you are interested in the Children of Oonte series, I posted the whole thing to DA.
You will need a high tolerance for too many commas and other errors. I am not a good editor for my own stuff.

Then I met someone who helped me edit the story.
The edited and better story is up on google docs.
I can note you the link to the better version.

Write up your next chapter.
I will be watching.
In a non creepy way.
Reply
:iconcharelzzz:
~Charelzzz Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Given the subject matter, go ahead and creep! xD
Reply
:iconsevenofeleven:
Hopefully not like this way
[link]
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:iconcharelzzz:
~Charelzzz Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Indeed
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